The Inside Assyria Discussion Forum #5

=> My Apology To Jackie Bejan

My Apology To Jackie Bejan
Posted by pancho (Guest) - Sunday, March 4 2007, 18:56:20 (CET)
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This is a sincere and honest apology, no sarcasm and no bullshit. I’ve already sent her a private one but for obvious reasons another one is needed in public.

Without going into detail, I tied to explain why I had become so stressed and disillusioned that I took it out on her. I said that after 13 years of struggling to complete the Shumirum monument, on my own dime, until Helen Schwarten stepped in…and after having the monument accepted by the city of Chicago and what an honor it is for any sculptor to have monuments in cities like San Francisco and Chicago, an honor I had assumed would be shared by all of us…I was stunned and thrown to the ground by John Nimrod’s threatened law suit against Chicago if they dared install our monument..as well as by the silence among all the brave and national Assyrians…70,000 of whom kept their mouths shut for four years in Chicago.

I wasn’t justifying anything…only explaining what had brought an otherwise sane and rational human bean to such a pass. Jackie had made the mistake, without her knowing it or I, of stepping in to try to resolve a ridiculous situation and was, I believe, the only person to have ever confronted John Nimrod, as he needed to be and in my presence…she also defused another ludicrous situation in Chicago when Alladin Khamis’ thugs tried to have me arrested…a situation which backfired on them badly…but she was the only one…on top of which we supported my work by purchasing several sculptures she still displays, so I am told, despite their connection to me.

As difficult as it was for me to fathom why this “Assyrian” nation treats any but its most incompetent people this way, I was so far gone that I couldn’t see I had brought myself, little by little without seeing the whole picture till much later, to an equally low point…something I’d been able to see was one of the methods used against other people in this Assyria, by which we are all driven to distraction when we continue down this road to more disaster…but I couldn’t see what was happening to me, like a man who is senile and can’t know it because he IS senile but thinks all is toast and jam.

In fairness I was being half way driven to it by others and the forces within this community which have always managed to cut our noses off to spite our faces and with my cooperation, however unknowingly…for I would not STOP, but insisted on going on, no matter what, to this goal I had placed before me which I assumed we all pretty much wanted to reach…but, it was my decision, no matter how naïve or mistaken…and I have to take ultimate responsibility for what ensued.

Jackie Bejan had no way of knowing she was dealing with a very dangerous man by then…as I had no way of knowing. She had no way of knowing that all it would take was one more push, no matter how mild or unintentional and no matter that up to that point I had been able to and took great pride in withstanding and overcoming a Mississippi of pushes…but not one more. The one that finally drove me stark raving mad was nothing of her doing, certainly not in any deliberate way…it was just one of those things, those glitches, those set-backs from which I’d had no trouble bouncing back a thousand times before…but not this time.

And so I exploded on Jackie, who in reality, no matter what I thought, was sincerely trying to help…to help us all. What keeps this from being an abject and complete humiliation is that some good may yet come from it…not between Jackie and I, that’s over with…but a bitter lesson learned when assuming we are dealing with Assyrian pride instead of Christian shame at being or having been connected to people who, on the word of the Jewish Bible, we have believed to be among the most despicable on earth…and whom we have no real or sincere desire to emulate or lift on high…and that anyone who thnks differently, as I did, will lead himself down a thorny path to ruin…and take his family, his few friends and one who was a special friend at one time, with him.

My instincts to survive, after my initial mistake of working “with” our people, was strong and served me well in the coming battle with Jackie, one I forced on her…and if it could have been in an honorable cause, would have been something to be, at least, not ashamed of…and I would do all over again, if I ever made that same mistake again to bring myself so desperately low and exhausted that almost all my judgement was off…and someone else, as well meaning as Jackie was makes her same mistake. Which, thankfully has very little chance of happening, with me..

But I’m not the only one to blame…not by a long shot. I’m just the one willing to admit my mistake..and that may well turn out to be only possible because of my own examination of our sorry state, as Assyrians, and especially with the guidance and insight provided by Dr Joseph’s book. I can understand how it all came about…I mean the whole thing…this “we are proud Assyrians” business which has done such damage to people who once had good enough reason to feel proud as Christians, but who’ve ruined that as well.

My apologies to Jackie, to her family and friends and all those people who winced in shame at my public display of a man trying not to drown…who wounded the one person trying to help keep him afloat. And I will never get into those waters again and do all I can to keep the next well-meaning and therefore most vulnerable person from doing the same.

Verily, we eat our own young.



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